This week has been absolutely horrible.

Isn’t that such a great way to start out a blog? Well it got your attention and I’m sure you’re curious now as to why it was such a bad week. Keep on reading and I’m gonna tell you all about it.

To start it off, last Tuesday was Chase’s probation revocation and Kerry Nessel (Chase’s attorney) asked for home confinement and thankfully it was denied. They waived the final probation violation hearing to Tuesday July the 9th. I was feeling confident that the hearing would be super easy and quick but oh boy was I wrong. Wednesday evening I received a call from Frankie saying that she had just been subpoenaed by Kerry Nessel. I immediately called my mom and told her what had happened. As I was on the phone with her, there was a knock at the door and I was subpoenaed too. I was so angry because this isn’t even my trial. I feel like all Kerry is trying to do is scare us. I will never waver from the truth and that alone will prove that your client, Joseph Chase Hardin is guilty. Putting me up on the stand is not going to do anything but allow me to prove your client wrong.

Last Monday I had another emotional day. The depression medication I have been taking for the past 3 1/2 years just isn’t enough to make me not feel depressed anymore. So right now I am between medications and have just been feeling even more depressed and angry than usual. This whole medication change is not happening at the ideal time since I am in and out of court right now. Know that you are not alone if you are feeling depressed. It is a normal feeling. If you are starting to feel more hopeless than usual, shoot me a message. I would be more than willing to talk.

I started writing this post yesterday on the 8th. So today was the final probation hearing. As I am not allowed to talk about any details because the judge decided to extend this hearing to the 26th of July. I will more likely than not, be taking the stand on the 26th. The fact that Frankie and I both have been subpoenaed for his probationary hearing is what makes me so angry. This is not our case. This is not even trial, but they are making it seem that way.

As a feminist, and an educated human, I am aware that there are a lot of white males that think they are superior to everyone, especially women (let me disclose that I know not all white men are like this. There are more respectful white men than there are non-respectful white men. I’m not a crazy feminist who hates all males. I know there are plenty of great men out there). And that is exactly what Joseph Chase Hardin thinks. He thinks that somehow he is superior to everyone else in that court room, especially Frankie and I. So part of the reason I think this probationary hearing has been going on as long as it has is because Chase is an egotistical psychopath who has a God complex and thinks he is ultimately in charge. Now enough ranting about him because I am done wasting my breath on irrelevant people.

To sum all of this up, right now I am not okay. I am not happy. I am not enjoying life like I used to. And I just don’t feel myself. BUT….. I am continuing to pray, I am continuing to go to therapy, and I am continuing to keep my depression in check because IT WILL GET BETTER.

More updates to come as the probationary hearing comes to an end…

Wow do I have a lot to catch you up on. It has been an emotional rollercoaster the past week. I have had so many ups and downs the past seven days that it is really starting to affect my mental health. Last Friday I went to see my boyfriend in Chicago for the weekend. Tuesday I had to go to court and face my abuser along with being completely blindsided by my best friend and not knowing where we stand anymore. Thursday I got to keep myself busy and hangout with one of my best friends. And now we are at today. Today I had counseling and just completely broke down. I am just not equipped to handle this many highs and lows. One moment I’m having the time of my life in Chicago and then the next I’m sitting in a court room being reminded that I was raped eight months ago. I need some stability. Has anyone else ever experienced so many different emotions at once that you just feel exhausted? Because if so, I need some tips on how you handled it.

Lately it has gotten more difficult to get out of bed. All I want to do is lay there and not talk to anyone. I have really been struggling. To keep myself from doing that, I constantly try to make plans. The moments where I’m preoccupied by a friend, work, or drawing are the moments that I feel the least amount of pain. It’s the moments of being still that kill me. You might think that all I have to do to solve my problem is just keep myself busy but that is exhausting.

Today I was trying to relax in the pool and just give myself some alone time to see if I could flood myself with positive thoughts instead of negative. Laying on the float and soaking up the sun in complete silence was relaxing at first but then I got this urge to pray. As I take my faith very seriously, I realized that I rarely ever pray when I’m by myself. I only pray when I have to. But for some reason today I felt a nudge the close my eyes, float in the pool, and just talk to God like he was floating right there with me.

In doing this I felt such a sense of peace and comfort. As tough as today has been on me mentally, I realized all I had to do was stop and pray. Now don’t get me wrong, the rest of today has been pure Hell. I haven’t felt like smiling. I haven’t felt like laughing. And I haven’t felt like talking to anyone. But in that one moment earlier, I felt such a closeness with God that it gives me the strength to keep going. It will get easier. It may take lots of time and it may take lots of prayer, but it will get better.

Hey everyone, it’s Frankii. For those of you who don’t know me I’m a friend of Ripley’s, and I’m also a sexual assault survivor. Ripley and I have been able to relate to each other a lot lately, but that’s no surprise, so I wanted to talk about our differences for a minute.

Coming into all of this, I was terrified. Ripley was my inspiration to come forward about my story. I had separated what happened to me from my mind for around 9 months, so having to deal with this everyday now is very hard. In the beginning, we had shared a lot of the same emotions about all of this which really helped me cope with what’s going on. And we do still share some of the same emotions generally. I do hope that my rapist finds Christ, I hope he repents, and I hope that he changes for the better. Going through this with her has showed me how strong we can both be, I never knew I had this in me to be honest.

However, we are human so we are different in our own ways. I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel somewhat pressured by society to act a certain way about all of this. But, people must understand that everyone handles things differently. I’m sure some people are wondering why I was able to hide this for so long. That does not mean that it traumatized me any less. There is no “right and wrong” when it comes to emotions. And that has been hard for me to come to terms with. Because, Ripley has gotten to a point where she forgives her rapist (Please read her latest post where she elaborates more on this), and I am just not there yet. But that’s okay. I do feel a pressure, like “Should I be forgiving him?” “Should I be feeling this way?” and the answer is no. This is my experience and I will feel those emotions when I am ready. I do hope to get there one day, I do want to forgive him for what he did, but right now I just can’t. I find myself to blame sometimes, but I know I shouldn’t. Time is everything.

My main focus of this post is that just because Ripley and I have united together during this situation, does not mean we are handling things the same. But there is nothing wrong with that. Being able to forgive my rapist is something I strive to be able to accomplish one day, and knowing that Ripley has done that already just continues to prove to me how strong she truly is. She is an inspiration to me and I cannot thank her enough for that. With that being said, you should never feel like you are supposed to act a certain way when something traumatizing has happened to you. Yes, I’m getting better every day, but every single person’s mind works a different way at a different pace. And that is something I have learned along this journey. So, to every sexual assault survivor out there, we are UNITED and we stand TOGETHER, but this doesn’t make us all the same. We all have different stories, and different ways of coping with them. And that is perfectly okay.

I want to start this post off with saying thank you. Thank you to everyone for your kindness, prayers, and overall comfort that you have given me. Knowing that I have an army of people behind me makes coming forward even more important to me. I am no longer doing this for myself but for every other survivor out there. Not just victims of Chase (which are too many to count now) but every person who has ever felt victimized by someone else.

The hardest thing I have had to do throughout this experience is learn to not only forgive myself but also forgive him. For a while I thought “Was this my fault? Did I deserve to be raped? Was I asking for it?”. Learning to forgive myself has been something that I still continue to work on. You just never believe that something like this will happen to you until it does. Even after it happened, I was still in disbelief. I just couldn’t believe that I froze and wasn’t strong enough to push him off of me. I wrestle with this thought all the time. What more could I have done to prevent this? But the answer is that I couldn’t have done anything to prevent it. I am not the one that made the decision to be raped. He chose to rape me. It was not my fault and it is not yours either.

Now this is the part I struggle with the most. Forgiving him. How do you forgive someone that committed such an evil act against you? As I have mentioned before in my Facebook and twitter posts, Jesus forgave Judas when he betrayed him. As a Christian, I strive to imitate Christ no matter how difficult or irrational it may seem. Who am I to claim Christ in every other aspect of my life but this one? So to sum it up, yes, I forgive chase for what he did to me. Now that doesn’t mean that I want anyone to have mercy on him. He has already been given one too many chances. He deserves to spend many many years in prison for what he has done. You can forgive the sinner but that does not mean you have to forget the sin.

Again, I want to make it apparent that I am so extremely grateful for all of the support from friends, family, and complete strangers. Your kind words are what have kept me fighting. I hope that I have and will continue to make you all proud. We are going to get him this time so that no more women will be subjected to this vicious crime.

Reading this title you might be thinking, what in the world is she talking about? Well throughout these past seven months I have struggled with figuring out what the right way to react to being sexually assaulted is. Will people think I’m overreacting if all I want to do is lay in bed in cry? Will they think I’m making everything up if my outward personality doesn’t change and I’m still the happy bubbly girl I used to be? The right answer is that there is no right answer.

I recently had to face my abuser in person regarding legal issues. He mentioned something that really rubbed me the wrong way. He claimed that after the assault took place I played a worship song when I was driving him back to his car. The point he said he was trying to make with this accusation was that my mental state afterwards seemed to be pretty stable for someone who is claiming they were raped. He tried to use this to make it seem like because I was playing a pretty Jesus song and not immediately calling the police, that I was okay with what he had just done to me.

The reason this made me so angry is because no one, especially your abuser, can tell you how to react to being raped. Everyone reacts differently. Recently following the #MeToo movement, women have been coming forward about sexual assault decades ago. Just because it took them so long to report does not mean that their experience was any less traumatic and scarring. The only thing I knew to do was act normal and like nothing had happened.

The point I want to make with this post is that you are entitled to every emotion you feel. Not only on matters like this one but every other trial you may face in life. There may be days that all you want to do is sleep and cry. Guess what? That’s okay. There may also be days that you feel like you are on top of the world. And that’s also okay. You’re emotions are your emotions. No one else can tell you how you should be grieving/reacting to anything. Some days you might feel guilty about having a good day and enjoying life but remember, just as it is okay to not be okay, it is okay to be okay.

Your life will never go back to exactly how it was before, but it sure will get easier each day as you learn to find a new normal.

Why does life have to hurt so much? Sometimes it feels like I’m swimming against a current that just keeps pulling me under no matter how hard I try to swim out. I’m drowning in a sea of my own thoughts and there is no land in sight.

This blog has been a way for me to find healing in life’s many struggles. Writing down my thoughts has helped me come to terms with everything that has happened to me. Whether you think you’re a terrible writer or a great one, there is something about putting your own thoughts and words down on paper that is so therapeutic.

The one thing that I feel like I have failed to express can be summed up by the great Hannah Montana, “nobody’s perfect”. You may read this blog and think “Wow she is so brave and strong. How is she coping so well? What is wrong with me and why can’t I be like that?” The fact of the matter is, I am a hot freaking mess just like everyone else. This is the problem I run into with social media. You cannot truly see what is going on behind the scenes. Yes, I have found ways to cope and heal, but that does not mean I am remotely perfect. I have days where all I want to do is be alone in my room in the dark. I don’t want anyone to feel like they are not handling their struggles the right way. There is no right way.

Confession time. I have a very unhealthy habit of shutting off my emotions and keeping my tears inside because I don’t want to be seen as weak. And then months later, something will set me off and I just explode. Yes, writing has helped me heal immensely, but let me tell you, it was not easy getting to this point. And even now, I am far from okay. It has taken weekly counseling, lots and lots of Zoloft, and many breakdowns to get to this point. So if there is anything you get from this ramble that I call a blog, know this… Just because you are not ready to come forward and share your story with the world, does not mean that you are any less than someone who has. No matter what your story is, it is yours.

It has taken a long time to get to the point that I am at now and I still have a long long way to go. So cling to what is good and you will find a way to get through.

“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.” Romans 12:9

You never know what you have until it’s gone. These words have never been more true. Five days ago I lost one of the most precious women in my life, my Aunt Kelli. Having been completely unexpected, it still hasn’t sunk in that she is gone. The little things that we take for granted are always the ones that we end up missing the most. I’m going to miss the moments at dinner when she would constantly be checking her phone for baseball updates, all of the goofy Snapchat filter pictures that she posted on Instagram, and the way that she loved my sister and I.

A lot of us are guilty of taking people for granted. We tend to think that our loved ones will always be around until something tragic happens that takes them away. Most of you will probably agree with the quote that I started this blog off with, but how many of you will actually determine in your hearts to treat everyone with love as if it was their last day alive? Sadly I have had to come to realize this on my own. You don’t realize the strong impact someone has on your life until they’re no longer there to keep it going.

My whole life my family, friends and I have always made it a point to end each phone conversation with “Bye love you”. Whether that’s out of habit or true intentional love, it doesn’t matter. As long as the last thing I say to them is that I love them. Although this is not the most uplifting topic to discuss, it is a necessary one. The only person who knows when our last day on earth is, is God. We are not promised another second here on earth. That is why we need to live every day to the fullest, cherish our loved ones and treat everyone with kindness. It sounds cliche, but take it from me. Why should we make it a point to be reserved when it comes to our love for others? Life is too short to be filled with words unspoken. Tell someone you love them because it may just be the last time you do.

So there is a tattoo that I have been wanting to get. Well, okay, I just came up with the idea about a week and a half ago, but when I set my mind to something, it’s extremely difficult for anyone to change it. As you can probably assume from the title of this blog, the tattoo that I want to get involves a lily. There is a verse in the bible that I have always been able to cling to;

“Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the young women.”

Song of Songs 2:2

Among all of the flowers, the lily is bursting with symbolism. The two main symbols of the lily being love and purity. No matter our past, present, and future mistakes (the thorns that are referenced), we are seen as pure and and beautiful lilies.

The second part of the tattoo will incorporate lavender. As many people know, lavender can be used to help soothe an anxious body and mind. Among almost every other teenage girl, I have, and still do, struggle with self-esteem issues. By incorporating the lavender into this design, it allows the meaning to become even deeper.

Because of your scars (the thorns), you have flourished and become even more beautiful than before (the lily). Remember to never be anxious (the lavender) about your appearance, because we are so precious in God’s eyes. You are a lily among thorns, my darling. Never forget that.

Okay, you’re probably wondering what in the world this title means. Other than looking like gibberish, it is actually a really meaningful word.

Kintsugi is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold or silver lacquer. The understanding of this practice is that the piece is even more beautiful for having been broken. To bring together the pieces of a broken pottery item and at the same time enhance the breaks. This technique consists of joining the broken fragments together and creating a completely new piece. The “scars” of the piece become what to exhibit. The beauty of this practice is that each piece is different. Much like the scars that we each carry.

The Japanese practice of Kintsugi suggests many things. Just because something is broken does not mean that it should be thrown away. The brokenness can become something very valuable. We should take time in trying to repair things because in time it could create something beautiful. This art form actively pursues the quality of resilience. Each person who has gone through a traumatic experience should look for ways to cope instead of just throwing their lives away. Take the best from these negative experiences and turn them into something useful. Our broken pieces are in fact what make us beautiful and unique.

Driving down Hal Greer and I decided to get some ice cream from Baskin Robbins. Today has been nothing less than perfect. I slept until noon, I am currently working my job which doesn’t even feel like a job, and I got to get my favorite drink from Baskin Robbins, a cappuccino blast. You would think that nothing could ruin this perfect day, but you would be wrong.

As I pulled in the drive through, I was already in a state of panic because there was a white Jeep parked in the lot. If you recall from my first post, that is the car that the man who raped me drives. Thankfully it was just a family that was in the Jeep and it was not him. After my heart rate slowed and I calmed down a bit, I was able to order my drink and wait in the drive through without panicking.

Sometimes it feels like the world is working against me, because while I was waiting in the drive through, finally calmed down, I look to my left and there he is. Stopped at the red light on Hal Greer literally ten feet away from me with his windows down. What are the flipping odds that in all of Huntington out of all the time in the day, he ends up right beside me at the exact moment I have finally calmed down?

Like I said before, even just the sight of a white Jeep can send me into a state of panic. Even more so when that white Jeep actually ends up being his. My hands began to shake, my heart started to pound harder and harder until it felt like it was about to burst out of my chest, and my head started to throb. As you can probably assume, this is not an enjoyable feeling. Especially for someone like me who does not like to show emotion even if I’m alone…

What I have learned from the past seven months is that it is okay to not be okay. It is okay to panic. It is okay to cry. It is okay to be scared. So often we feel like we have to be strong and not show emotion for the sake of everyone around us. What I’ve learned is that the people around us have anxieties and fears just like us. It might not stem from the same traumatic experience, but nobody is 100% okay. So show your emotions. Cry, scream, vent if you need to. There is always someone out there who is willing to listen. And remember, it’s okay to not be okay.