Hey everyone. I know it’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted, but life has just been abnormally crazy. From finals, to Christmas, to starting a new semester, I have barely had time to breathe. Making time for myself has felt nearly impossible lately. But with the start of the new year, I have decided to make some big changes…

I am going to choose myself this year.

As I have written about before, I struggle with self esteem issues tremendously. Within this struggle I have always looked for validation in things that I shouldn’t. Before my assault, I looked for validation in sports and acedemics. I felt better about myself when people would praise me for being smart or athletic. After the assault, I only looked for vaidation in men. The only wat I believed I was pretty was if a man told me I was. Although there is nothing wrong with enjoying compliments from others, it should not be the only form of validation you look for. I was looking for my happiness in men instead of Christ.

A few weeks ago I realized how wrong I have been. Why would I look for validation in something that is always going to let me down when I could be looking toward Christ who has never lets me down? After realizing that I had been so wrong for so long, I made a conscious decision to choose myself this year. To eat healthier, workout more, take care of my mental health, stay on top of my school work, and most importantly, look for my worth in Christ.

Once I made this decision and realized that I had been so wrong, I decided to take a selfie. Like I said before, my self esteem is horrible. I get so uncomfortable taking pictures of myself because I never think that I look good enough, but I decided to take one anyway. After I took this picture, I went to my mom and started crying. For the first time in a very long time, I thought that I was pretty. I think that once you look for your validation in Christ, it changes your outlook on everything. I was made in the image of God and so were you so who are we to tell God that his creation isn’t good enough?

Choose yourself, look for your validation in Christ and see a whole new world and perspective unfold.

Thanksgiving is a beautiful holiday for friends and family to gather and celebrate being thankful for each other, but once it’s over, we go straight into Christmas mode. It’s such a dramatic change in holidays, because we go from discussing what we are thankful for to constantly shopping and wanting more. The question we ask on Thanksgiving is “What are you thankful for?” but as soon as that is over, we ask “What do you want for Christmas?”. It is not a bad thing to want something for Christmas, but it is so important to remember how thankful we are for everything that we have, even after the holiday.

After reflecting on the holiday yesterday, I can say that despite everything that I have gone through this past year, I remain thankful. I am thankful for the scars and the pain because it ultimately made me stronger and brought me closer to Jesus. It gave me something to advocate for. By being so public and open about what happened, I have been able to be there for others who have gone through the same thing in hopes that I make them feel just a little less alone.

Yesterday I realized something that made me feel a bit ashamed. We obviously talk and think about what we are grateful for on Thanksgiving because that is is what the holiday is about, but how often do we thank God for the little things that he gives us each day? I don’t even think about the fact that every morning I wake up, it’s because God gave me another day of life. I don’t think about the fact that I get the privelege of taking a warm shower every day or that I have warm food to eat or a cozy winter jacket to keep me from getting cold. There are so many little things that we should be thankful for, but because we are so caught up in our own lives, we don’t realize that some people don’t have the same priveleges that we do.

Having been to Haiti multiple times before and seeing how thankful they are for the little bit that they have should make me even more apt to thank God every day that I wake up, but I don’t and that needs to change. My challenge to you is to go into this holiday season and practice thanking God and someone that you love for something they have done or given you. Maybe everyday a day to be thankful instead of just once a year.

Hi everyone, my name is Ripley Haney and I am a survivor and advocate of sexual assault. I was raped exactly one year and one month ago. I have always found it insulting when the media labels it “sexual assault”. For some reason, society is scared of the word rape. It is labeled as ‘dirty’ and is only used when it most certainly has to be. One of the goals that I hope to achieve tonight is to make you become more comfortable with using the word rape because it is not a word that should be deemed ‘dirty’ or ‘embarrassing’.

The question that I am going to be focusing on tonight is: Why did I come forward? I wish I could answer that simply but the truth is, I ask myself this question all the time. I didn’t want to be known just as “the poor girl who got raped”. I didn’t want to feel like everyone was judging me. And most of all, I didn’t want people’s pity. As an extremely independent and empowered woman, I wanted to push it all down and pretend it didn’t affect me so that I wouldn’t be seen as weak because in today’s society, women are already seen as the weaker sex. Even though I did not let this assault define me, it took over almost every aspect of my life for the past year.

My assault took place on October 7th. He wasn’t a stranger. He was someone that I considered a friend. When most people hear about a rape, they almost automatically assume that it was a “held at gunpoint stranger attack in a dark alley” but according to Rainn.org, “8/10 acts of sexual violence are committed by someone that the victim knew.” This was my case. What I had planned to be an innocent get-together in the park turned out to be a night that would change my life. 

He and I had decided to meet up at the park to hang out. I set out a blanket in the middle of the park and began to do a bible study by myself while I was waiting on him to arrive. Once he got there, he summoned me over to the car. He suggested that we go grab some fast food to eat and then drive around and talk. Being naive and assuming that was all he wanted to do, I packed up my stuff and drove to Wendy’s. After a bit of driving around, he directed me up a hill around the backside of ritter park. I continued to drive without question. A few minutes later we were at The Huntington Museum of Art. I pulled up out front underneath a lamp post and parked, but about five seconds later he instructed me to pull around back to a spot that he had claimed to have been before. I did as he said because I wasn’t going to question a six-foot six-man who could easily do whatever he wanted to me if I didn’t cooperate, and yet he still did. There are parts of the next hour and a half that are blacked out or blurred from my memory. Things like remembering how my clothes came off and got back on and the entire drive home. 

Parts of the night were consensual, but that does not mean that all of it was. He knew that I was a virgin. He knew that I was saving myself for marriage. But he didn’t care. All he wanted was to feel power over me and for that instant, that is what he got. He felt powerful as he was pinning my arms against the door of my car. He felt powerful as he heard me say no over and over again but continued anyway. He felt powerful in thinking that I was going to be another one of his quiet and powerless victims. Little did he know, I was about to be his worst nightmare and he was never going to feel powerful again because in just eight months he would be sitting in a jail cell.

The day after, I told my best friend what happened and the following week I continued to tell my close friends. They wanted me to report it or talk to a counselor immediately, but I refused. Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe he didn’t really rape me. Maybe I deserved it. These were all of the thoughts that went through my mind. I let Satan continue to put all of these negative thoughts in my head. For the next five weeks, I continued telling people little by little. Subconsciously I wanted people to start talking. I wanted my story to get out there and this was the only way I knew how without reporting it. Slowly but surely my story spread and people were talking. 

For the five weeks that I did not report what happened, I struggled tremendously. My depression was at an all-time high because right after the rape I started taking a much lower dosage of my anti-depressents. I was trying to prove to myself that I could be okay on my own. That I didn’t need medicine to make me feel better. You all are smart people, so I’m sure you realize that after being raped and then cutting my medication dosage in half, I felt a sense of hopelessness that I had never felt before. I felt more alone than I had ever felt in my entire life.  

The thing I didn’t realize was that I didn’t have to do it on my own. There were more people than I even knew out there supporting me. Though sometimes I fought with God, asking him “why me?” I soon realized that the answer was “Why not me?” I wouldn’t wish this nightmare upon anyone else, so why not me? I would rather it happen to me 1000 more times than it ever happen to my sister even once. After coming to this conclusion, I thought, so what am I going to do with it? I’m not going to sit around and let this become just another sexual assault tragedy that gets passed by. I want to get justice not only for myself but for every other male or female out there who feels like they haven’t been heard. I want this to change the way we treat rape on campus, I want to let people know that they have a voice, I want to be heard. 

I’m sure you all have wondered, why does God let bad things happen to good people? This is one of the hardest questions for a Christian to answer. This question assumes that God never has a good reason for suffering. But he completely disproves that by the fact that he died on the cross for us. He was abused and suffered tremendous pain in order that we would be saved. The holiest of holies suffered for us. It’s hard for Christians and non-christians alike to just say “everything happens for a reason” and believe that. Although it can be comforting, most of the time it’s hard to actually believe. I have found so much comfort in the uncertainty and waiting because of my faith. My faith has grown so much over the past year because God is ultimately the only one I could truly rely on. He gives me something to put my trust in. When I begin to doubt His goodness, I remember all of the goodness that has come from this. I have had dozens of men and women that I know and don’t know come forward to me about their own struggles with sexual assault. Some of them even decided to go to the police after talking to me because they said they felt inspired. Now I am not trying to toot my own horn here at all. I am simply living for Christ and obeying what he commands me to do. If this hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be here talking to you right now. 

I wrote a poem one night when I was feeling so depressed that I couldn’t really do anything other than write. I have only shared this poem with about three people because it contains some very personal feelings, but tonight I am going to share it just in case there is anyone in here that needs to hear it and feel like they’re just a little less alone.

I feel like a hollow shell of my former self. 

Like life has no meaning. 

He took my innocence.  

All I had and all I was.  

He took that from me. 

I have been on autopilot for months.  

Slowly coasting through with little to no emotion.  

Hoping that I could find something to fill the dark and empty void that he left inside of me. 

Not anything can fill this giant abyss that I feel so deeply in my soul. 

Not even alcohol can make me truly forget. 

Not even sex can make me truly feel loved. 

I’m so broken and nothing is helping glue me back together. 

I thought I could be strong and carry this burden by myself but it’s just too heavy for one person to hold.   

I’ve tried leaving it behind and forgetting all about it but it always finds its way back to me. 

I can’t get rid of it.   

It blinds me and causes me to stumble. 

The continuous voice inside my head telling me I’ll never be enough is taking over. 

And sometimes the silence is so deafening that I have to force myself to feel. 

Whether that’s through causing myself physical or mental pain, anything helps. 

I just want to feel something again. 

I want to feel genuine emotion.  

Because I’ve forgotten what that feels like. 

I’ve forgotten how it feels to love.  

To be joyful.  

To be excited. 

Until tonight. 

Laying on the couch beside my sister and just thinking about how shitty my life feels right now. 

Her head moves down, rests on my chest and I wrap my arms around her.  

Playing with her dark brown hair that I just dyed for her.  I am overcome with a feeling that I had almost completely forgotten. 

Love. 

I may have thought that he broke me and that I could never feel again, 

But I won’t give up that easily. 

I am a fighter. 

Not only for my sister, but for myself. 

I am a warrior and nobody, especially no man can take that away from me. 

My sister, so pure and full of life and innocence taught me to feel again. 

I am a fighter. 

I am a warrior. 

And nobody takes that away from me. 

According to Women’s Health, “Sexual assault is common among female students of all ages, races, and ethnicities. At least one in five women in college experiences sexual assault.” I’d like everyone to take a moment to think about five college-aged women that you love and care about. PAUSE.  Statistics say that at least one of them will be sexually assaulted while in college. That is someone’s daughter, someone’s sister, someone’s friend, that is someone. Now, what are we going to do to change this?

Ultimately Marshall expelled the man who raped me after I reported what happened to me, so I am thankful for that, but at first, they didn’t. Even after being charged with sexual assault on a previous case a few years ago, he was allowed to remain a student at Marshall University until he was a senior. While being on probation for a previous rape, he was allowed to be on a college campus free to do whatever he wanted. It was the perfect place for him to find new victims. It’s where he found me. 

If he would have been expelled the first time, I would have never met him and I would have never been raped. We are told that we are sons and daughters of Marshall University. Why are we protecting our sons but not our daughters? What are we going to do in order to make this campus safe for everyone? How will we change the way we treat rape on campus? It’s time that we stand up, reclaim our narrative, and do something. 

I can’t go back and change the fact that I was raped but what I can do is stand up for the injustice that happens from here on out. I am a survivor and I intend to keep fighting. 

I want to close with a quote from the book that is based on a true story by Janette Walls, “The Glass Castle”. To give this quote some background, her family was homeless and constantly relocating to new places. One trip, they decided to make a stop in Joshua Tree National Park. A Joshua Tree is a special tree because it grows all wonky in the direction of the wind but refuses to fall. Now that you know that, here’s the quote “One time I saw a tiny Joshua tree sapling growing not too far from the old tree. I wanted to dig it up and replant it near our house. I told Mom that I would protect it from the wind and water it every day so that it could grow nice and tall and straight. Mom frowned at me. “You’d be destroying what makes it special,” she said. “It’s the Joshua tree’s struggle that gives it its beauty.” 

This past winter, my dad and I took a trip out west to Joshua Tree National Park. Seeing the trees for myself gave me so much comfort, because it is such a good representation of life. All of the trees are different. There is not one that looks exactly like another. Just like the wind puts stress on the Joshua Tree, life puts stress on us. Sometimes it can knock us on our butts, but we always get back up and keep fighting just like the Joshua Tree. Everyone’s story is different because we all go through different things in life. But our differences are what make us beautiful.

It may feel like you are broken, but you are so wrong. Like I have written in my blog, we’re all a little broken in our own ways so let’s unite and celebrate our scars. They are in fact what make you beautiful.

I want to thank Anna Williams for asking me to do this. Shana Thompson for being such and amazing investigator for Title IX at Marshall University. My friends for comforting me when I feel completely alone. And my family for always being my rock no matter what.

Thank you.

These past few weeks have been a bit overwhelming. Last week I studied for a nursing exam all week and then didn’t do as well on it as I thought that I would. Right after that test on Wednesday, I started studying for two more tests that I have today and tomorrow. Along with studying and trying to prepare myself for these exams more, I have been working on a speech that I get the opportunity to share at an event hosted by Marshall called “Take Back the Night”. You could say that I kinda of have a lot going on…

I have always been one to naturally do well in school. High school was a breeze and freshman year of college pretty much was too. Although school has always been easy to me, I still found myself struggling to focus on one thing at a time. I never really saw a problem with it because it didn’t affect my schooling. But recently I have not been doing as well on my exams as I would like even though I am spending more than enough time studying.

I never thought that I would be one to possibly have ADHD, but so far that’s what it’s looking like (I have an appointment next week to be sure). I recently heard that ADD and ADHD are now considered the same diagnosis. When you think of ADHD, you probably think of a young kid bouncing around a classroom and not being able to focus. Although that is one type of ADHD, the other type is ADHD just in your mind. I may not be exhibiting the outward “hyper” symptoms of the diagnosis but I am most certainly experiencing them in my head. I can be reading a question on an exam and then find myself thinking about 40 different things that have absolutely nothing to do with nursing at the same time. My mind never seems to stop. It just keeps going whether I need rest or not.

I been awake for 36 hours as of right now. Hoping that I get to rest sometime soon, I’m still studying and still working. Since I haven’t been to the doctor yet and am not currently medicated for it, I am doing everything that I can to keep my focus on school. In my complete mental exhaustion this morning at 7am after studying for 8 hours straight, I decided to pray. I didn’t know what I needed to pray about, but I just felt the need to close my eyes, clear my head, and really talk honestly to God. In that 20 minute conversation I had with Him, I felt focused and I felt a sense of peace.

Knowing that I always have Christ to lean on is such a blessing that I take for granted. If you get to a point like me where you just can’t focus anymore, take just a minute to stop what you are doing and talk to God. Ask him to clear your head and keep you focused. Tell Him about your day. He is ALWAYS there waiting for you to come to Him. Whoever is reading this, I pray for peace to come over you. May the 10,000 thoughts you have swirling through your head, even for just a moment, subside as you focus on the only true thing that matters in this stressful life. Jesus.

Today marks a year since I was raped. Today marks a year since my innocence was taken from me. Today is going to be tough, but I have spent a year fighting and I’m not going to stop now.

This past year has been a year of growth. A year of sadness. A year of pain. At points during the past 365 days I have had to fight to keep myself sane. I have had to fight to get myself out of bed. There have been so many lows that it is hard to even remember the good memories that I have made. It seems that all I can focus on is the pain. So at least for right now, just for this blog post, I want to try and highlight the good of this past year so that I might just have a little bit of a better day.

Looking back and reflecting on the whole year, there have been some good memories. Starting with my friends and family… I may have lost a friend that I thought would always be there for me, but after struggling with that I realized that I have so many friends who actually love and care about me. This past year has shown me who my true friends are and I am forever thankful for them. If you’re reading this Adria, Mikayla, and Catherine, you really stepped up your game this year (not that my other friends haven’t because you all have been amazing and you know who you are). Adria, you have stuck with me since sixth grade. You have been my rock for eight years and I am so stinkin’ thankful for you, you have no idea. Mikayla, I didn’t meet you until last August and you have become someone that I know I can always depend on no matter what. From the moment I met you, I knew you would be someone that I would grow to love and trust forever. Catherine, we’ve been friends for about a year and a half but it feels like forever. No matter what, you are always there to cheer me up and make me smile. My family has stepped in like no other. My mom and dad have proved to me time and time again that no matter what, I am beautiful and strong despite what happened to me. They are always there to comfort me in times of need. My little sister has been amazing in making sure that I am okay. The love and grace that she constantly shows me reminds me of the love that Christ shows. I couldn’t ask for a more amazing sister. Thank you God for my friends and thank you God for my family.

My dad and I went on trip out west in December to hike in a few national parks. We hiked at Zion, Bryce Canyon, Joshua Tree, and Death Valley. Walking in the snow, in complete silence with my dad by my side, I wondered if life could get any better. All my problems seemed to slip away over the edge of the cliff as I breathed in the fresh cool air. As I hiked up the side of the mountain, I prayed for peace to come over me. I prayed to feel like this for the rest of my life. When we went to Joshua Tree, all I could think about was the quote from the Glass Castle: “One time I saw a tiny Joshua tree sapling growing not too far from the old tree. I wanted to dig it up and replant it near our house. I told Mom that I would protect it from the wind and water it every day so that it could grow nice and tall and straight. Mom frowned at me. “You’d be destroying what makes it special,” she said. “It’s the Joshua tree’s struggle that gives it its beauty.” If you haven’t seen a Joshua Tree, it is a super wonky tree. After years of the wind blowing it in different directions, the tree is sprawled out in different directions. Like the quote above, the struggle is what makes the tree beautiful. I like to think of my own struggles that way. I believe that everything we go throuhg makes us who we are today. The good, the bad, and the ugly. At that moment I thanked God for my life.

In February I started a new job for Autism Services. I get to work one-on-one with the most amazing little boy. His excitment for life has given me a purpose. He makes my days so much more enjoyable. Being with him and taking care of him gives me a new excitment about life. I thank God for giving me the chance to have the job of a lifetime.

The best part of my year by far was going to Haiti. It’s always the best part of my year. From the second I stepped foot off the plane, I felt home. I felt peace. Being in Haiti and seeing how happy these people were with so little gives me hope that everything will be okay. Being there reminds me of what I am meant to do with my life. It gives me a hope for the future that I might just be okay. And I thanked God for giving me the oppurtunity to serve him in the small community of Ft.Liberte, Haiti.

As today goes on and 8:00pm grows closer, my anxiety gets worse. I have been trying to stay busy and surround myself with people who make me smile (special thanks to Drew and Hannah and the rest of the family for letting me hangout with them). Every minute that goes by brings me just a little bit more pain. Part of me wishes that I could go back one year ago and tell myself not to trust Chase. Tell myself to just walk away and go home. Not to hangout with him. But there is also another part of me that is happy with who I am today. What happened to me sucked a lot, but knowing that I have been able to help other girls going through something similar situations makes me grateful that God has gotten me through this. Taking time to reflect on the good things gives me a hope that I will get through this. The good definitley outweighs the bad. I thank God for the good things that have happened to me this year.

As much as I have wanted to write a new blog these past few weeks, my mind has just not been able to rest and take the time to write what I have been feeling. The past three and a half weeks have been scary. They have been draining. And they have been overall just exhausting.

About two weeks ago, my anxiety and depression hit an all time low. I thought that I had everything under control. I thought I was able to hold it all in and be okay. I thought I could do it on my own. I realized that none of this was true when I was so paralyzed by fear and overcome with angst that I couldn’t breathe. I was in my bed, alone in my dorm, so consumed by the weight of the world, that it felt like my heart was going to explode out of my chest. It was then that I realized I couldn’t do this alone anymore.

The title of this post is “Rescue”. As most of you know, Lauren Daigle is my all-time favorite singer. Her songs have always seemed to speak to me somehow. A part of her song “Rescue” says,

“You are not hidden
There’s never been a moment
You were forgotten
You are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence stolen

I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you. There is no distance
That cannot be covered
Over and over
You’re not defenseless
I’ll be your shelter
I’ll be your armor“

These words are written so beautifully and are so full of emotion. I have been broken, I am broken, and my innocence was stolen. I guess these past few weeks I have tried to only rely on myself and not God. I have been pushing myself to get better without even telling anyone how broken I feel. Isn’t that me putting myself in God’s shoes? Who am I to think that I can fix everything on my own? That’s God’s job.

After realizing that I needed more help than I could provide myself with, I got an appointment with a psychiatrist, upped my counseling sessions to once a week, and told my parents and friends how much I was struggling. There was such a weight lifted off my shoulders as soon as I told someone what was going on inside of my head. After seeing a psychiatrist, I was able to start two new medicines, one to calm my depression and anxiety, and one to help me sleep without having nightmares constantly.

Now I realize that not everybody has the luxury of a loving family and friends like I do. You may not have that, but talk to somebody. Talk to God. It’s his job. He was tortured and sacrificed his life for you. Just like Lauren Daigle says, He will rescue you.

The past month, I have been through a whirlwind of emotions. I started a new job as a Resident Advisor for the freshman dorms at Marshall, I started my new nursing classes, I’m dealing with stress from the case, I have just recently filed an official complaint against Marshall’s Title IX coordinator for how horribly she treated me (which will be followed by multiple meetings with human resources and Marshall in order to carry out an investigation and have her demoted) I changed medication and I’m not sure that it is working very well, I’m trying to make working out a priority, and I’m also finding time to go home multiple times a week. Wow, that was a mouthful. I think I may be even more stressed now that I am reading that out loud. You would think that with all of this going on, I would be too exhausted to even think about anything but it’s really quite the opposite…

There is never a moment that my mind is at ease anymore. My thoughts circle around in my head a thousand miles a minute. I am constantly about school, work, and just life in general. Even when I try to sit down and just talk to God, my head is filled with other thoughts and I get so distracted and stressed that I can’t even pray right. For the past two nights I have sat alone in my dorm room and just cried. I have cried until my eyes are so puffy that I can’t see, until my head is pounding so strongly that I can’t think, and until my body feels so weak that I can’t move or breath. Although crying is a healthy emotion to express, it is starting to become such a burden. I have been invited to events with friends but I cannot muster up the strength to go because my body is just so exhausted from being stressed all day. 

The point of me telling you this is not for you to feel pity for me but to understand this… It is okay to ask for help. It is okay to tell someone no. It is okay to take a mental break every now and then. This past therapy session, my counselor talked a lot about self care. She told me that I don’t always have to be “the helper”. I once had an EX-FRIEND (emphasis on the ex because this is one thing that ended our friendship) say to me that all I do is care about myself. She told me that I never put others first and I make it all about me. When she said this to me, something clicked. That is literally the complete opposite of what I do. It’s so difficult for me to ask for help because I don’t want to burden people with my issues. I an RA for crying out loud, all I do is fix people’s problems. I did not report my rape to the police in order to help myself. It doesn’t benefit me at all. I was already raped and I can’t change that. But what I can do is protect girls that would have been Chase’s future victims. 

In all of this, constantly being there for everyone else and not letting anyone be there for me is absolutely exhausting. So don’t feel guilty asking for help. Don’t feel guilty for not taking the extra shift at work and taking a nap instead. Don’t feel guilty for taking care of yourself. If you think about it, are you really helping people to the best of your ability if you are not well rested yourself? God calls us to rest. He wants us to recharge so that we have the strength to carry on His will the next day. So take that day off, go get a massage, and rest. You deserve it.

Right now I’m in Starbucks trying to write a scholarship letter and as I’m writing, I’m listening to Lauren Daigle through my headphones. The feeling that I can’t get past is the uncomfortable reminder that comes along with Lauren Daigle’s Look Up Child album.

Last fall when this album came out, it was all I listened to. If I was walking across campus with my headphones in, this is what I was listening to. As you know, last fall is the season that I was taken advantage of, manipulated, and raped. Since these two things overlap in their timing, I can’t help but associate my favorite album with the vicious and painful reminder of Chase.

What I cannot figure out is whether this is something strictly psychological or if it is Satan attempting to take Godly music that once brought me so much comfort and peace and turn it into a reminder that I am unworthy and broken. Maybe it’s a little bit of both…

As I am sitting here typing this exact sentence in the middle of Starbucks where everyone can see me, my eyes are starting to fill with tears. My last post was about the song You Say by Lauren Daigle and that is currently the song that is playing in my ears right now. I started to feel down and broken again as I began typing this but as soon as that feeling started to consume me, the chorus began… “You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing. You say I am strong when I think I am weak. You say I am held when I am falling short. When I don’t belong, oh You say I am yours.” All of my feelings of insecurity and doubt are washed away. Christ covers me when I am weak.

This morning Trent preached on Jeremiah 1:1-10. This passage is all about how when God calls you to do something, you should have no excuses. One thing that he said today really stuck with me: Why would God call you to do something that he didn’t think you could do? The simple answer to this question is that he wouldn’t. God does not call you to do something that he doesn’t think you are strong enough to handle.

There have been times that I wonder “Why me? Why was I raped? What do you want me to do with this?”. I have been angry at God. I have been furious. Why did he let such a horrible thing happen to me? I have meditated on this thought for a long time and have just recently come up with an answer. He didn’t let this happen to me. Sucky things happen because there is sin and brokenness in the world.

BUT…

God doesn’t put us through trials that he doesn’t think we can face. I now know that there is some good that comes from such a horrible and vial act. I am able to put away a serial rapist so that he does not have the opportunity to rape again. I am able to give my testimony to girls who may think that they are not enough. I am able to counsel and help people I don’t even know and maybe give them a purpose.

So ya see here, God does not put you through things that you cannot handle. Crappy things happen, yeah, but it’s not what happens to you that defines you, it’s what you do with it and how you handle it that counts.

As you may know, Friday the 26th was the final probation violation hearing for Chase. After three and a half hours of sitting in the hallway (because I am a witness and I am not allowed in the courtroom during the trial/hearing) I was allowed to enter the courtroom to hear the judges final decision, anxiously anticipating whether or not Chase was going to have to spend a year in jail. The judge found that by a preponderance of the evidence that there was no motive for Frankie and I to come forward about such a scarring event in our lives. He revoked Chase’s probation and sentenced him to a year in jail. Praise God. That is all I can say about that. 

Two days after Chase was sentenced to a year in jail awaiting trial, my sister sang a song called “You Say” by Lauren Daigle at church. Every time that my sister sings, I always cry. I love her so much that sometimes it is just so overwhelming to see and experience just how talented she is. But this week I was crying for a whole new reason… 

The song she sang has been a song that has always meant so much to me. Lauren Daigle does such an amazing job relating her lyrics to the audience. The chorus of the song goes like this: 

“You say I am loved, when I can’t feel a thing. You say I am strong when I think I am weak. And you say I am held, when I am falling short. When I don’t belong, you say I am yours.” When Harper sang this chorus, I wept. I wept because this is the reassurance that I not only need, but I’m sure everyone else did too. 

Throughout these past few weeks I have been trying out a new medicine to try and treat my depression better than my old medicine. What I hadn’t realized until I stopped taking Zoloft is that I had absolutely no emotions. I was taking such a high dosage for the past three years that having no emotions started to feel like the norm. The first line of the chorus says, “You say I am loved, when I can’t feel a thing.”. This has never rang more true for me. Even when I was completely numb from life and didn’t know how to have emotions, Jesus said I was loved. 

As you know, I have struggled a lot throughout this past year. I have had many highs but a crap ton of lows. In those times there were moments that I felt so alone and weak. I felt like I had no one to rely on but myself BUT oh my goodness was I wrong. Like Lauren Daigle says, “You say I am strong when I think I am weak. And you say I am held, when I am falling short.”. Wow, what a fantastic reminder of Christ’s love for us. He gives us the strength that we don’t feel we have. Not only did I have Christ, but also my family and friends to rely on. I may have felt alone, but I was far from it. 

The last line of this chorus says, “When I don’t belong, you say I am yours.” Sometimes I feel like because of what happened that I am broken and a burden, but Christ claims us as His. Whether you have an earthly father (my dad is freaking awesome) or not, take refuge in knowing that you have a Heavenly Father that loves you more than you could imagine. 

Since I gave shout outs to the whole family except my mom, I’d just like to say that I have the best mom in the whole entire world!

Have you ever prayed for something so hard and so often that it feels like God should have definitely answered your prayer by now? Only to be angry and upset that it didn’t happen when you wanted it to? Yeah, me too. As I have gotten older, I’ve started to realize that things don’t usually happen when I want them to. As frustrating as that can be, it is so much more beautiful when you are patient and let things unfold in the way God has planned.

Story time! Now this story is about how perfectly God’s timing worked out for me, so grab some popcorn and keep reading! Four years ago I went on a mission trip to Cincinnati, Ohio. Flashback to Ripley four years ago and believe it or not, I did not want to be there. I was in such a bad place with myself and my relationship with Christ that I wanted to be anywhere but a mission trip. On the first day of the trip, we played a game with all the other mission teams there. Some people were sheep and others were shepherds and the shepherds had to go find a sheep from a different state. I immediately ran over to the cutest boy I had ever seen and made him my partner. After that initial meeting, we instantly clicked and talked all week.

At the end of the week we exchanged numbers and planned to stay in touch. Little did I know that we would still be talking four years later. For four years we texted, FaceTimed, and called pretty consistently. We were best friends. He even came and visited me that following January! Every time both of us were single, we would dream and talk about how amazing it would be if we could date, but he lived in Chicago and I lived in West Virginia. When I was dating someone, he was single and vise versa. Dating never really seemed like a reality because our timing was just off. We talked about how we didn’t want to force a relationship because it just didn’t feel like God’s timing. We were constantly longing to be in a relationship but knew it wasn’t our time.

Fast forward to today and we have been dating for about two months now and can already envision our lives together. Yes, long distance is difficult, but when you have waited so long for someone so perfect for you, and God has finally given the go ahead, it’s more than worth it.

Waiting for and understanding God’s timing can be impossible, especially for our human minds to comprehend. We live in a society where when we want something, we get it almost instantly. The internet gives us answers in about 1 second, Amazon makes it possible to buy whatever you want without leaving the house, and cars make it possible to drive wherever you want whenever you want. As humans, we are so conditioned to that mindset. BUT…. as Christians and children of God, we need to learn to adopt a new mindset. Instead of praying for something to happen when we want it to, let’s start praying for it to happen when God wants it to. Let’s pray for him to bless our lives when he sees fit. Trust me, it makes it so much sweeter.

“But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:33