This post is going to be difficult for me to write, because as much as I like to think that I have been able to maintain a consistent and fairly normal life these past three years, that has proven to not be quite as true as I thought it was.

This past spring semester was the most difficult one I have had so far. Along with having two of the most difficult classes in the same semester, I was dealing with consistent night terrors, PTSD, and personal relationship issues. My trial began in August 2020. During that semester I received my first ever C in a class. I have always been an A/B student, so getting a C in a class was very disheartening to me. I was so upset with myself for my grade in the class. I blamed myself and called myself stupid more times than I can count. Never did I take into account that I had just gone through a traumatic trial and was constantly distracted from my school work, all I did was blame myself.

I have not had a normal semester of college. I was raped the first semester of my freshman year, which means that I have gone through nursing school while dealing with one of the most traumatic and distracting things one could. I am thankful that I have made it as far as I have. After the trial, I started to have consistent night terrors. I will wake up in a sleep paralysis state and feel as if my chest is caving in. Sometimes I even see Chase in my room and I am not able to wake myself up from this horrible night terror. Since October of 2018, I was working towards a conviction. After the trial in August 2020, I had nothing else to work toward. Chase was convicted and I was now dealing with two years of internalized trauma and pain. It was as if I was just realizing the reality of what happened to me.

This past semester was the worst that I have had. My classes were extremely difficult and I was constantly distracted due to the unwavering trauma and anxiety that trial left me with. Once the semester was nearing the end, I realized that I had a difficult decision to make. I had to take a medical withdrawal from the semester. My mental health was at an all time low and there was no way that I could concentrate enough to keep my grades up. Making this decision was hard for me, because it meant that I would be a year behind in school and would not be graduating with my friends. After praying about it and taking the advice from advisors and professors, I decided that it was the best decision for me. As I said before, I have always been an A/B student and school has always come easy to me, so admitting that it was too much was very difficult for me to do.

This semester I am retaking some of the classes that I passed, because with a medical withdrawal, you withdrawal from all the classes that you took, pass or fail. It has been hard for me to be positive and accept that I am not graduating when I had planned on it, but I have to remind myself that I am not invincible. Sometimes you have to do what is best for your mental health regardless if it aligns with the plan you have made for your life.

I have started to look on the bright side of my circumstances. By withdrawing from the semester, I had to take 15 hours of classes this summer in order to maintain my promise scholarship. I took three psychology classes and two independent studies. After taking those classes, I now have a minor in psychology which will be helpful in my nursing career and when I work as a SANE nurse. I have the opportunity to work for Autism Services and watch Brayden for an extra year, and get to have another free summer before staring my career. By retaking my classes, I will be able to learn the material in greater detail than before.

As disappointed as I have been with myself, I realize that I am lucky to have made it as far as I have so far. I could have easily dropped out and given up on myself back in 2018, but I didn’t. I continued to prevail through unsavory circumstances. Although my plans for school are not exactly as I planned, I know that I will be a great nurse no matter how long it takes me to graduate. I have to remember that I went through something horrible and it is not my fault to take a break for my mental health. That doesn’t make me stupid. It doesn’t make me a worse nurse. It makes me strong for realizing when I needed to take a break and focus on myself.