Yesterday I had a routine doctors appointment just to check and see how my antidepressants and other medications have been working. The nurse asked me multiple questions as she always does before I see the doctor. She asked me a question that I have gotten so used to answering over the years; “Have you felt down or depressed recently?” I cannot recall a time that I have ever answered “no” to that question. My answer is mostly always “Yes, nearly every day”, but today was a monumental day in my struggle with depression. I answered “No, I actually haven’t felt depressed at all recently.” It wasn’t until she asked me that question that I realized how content I have been with my life recently.

Since around 8th and 9th grade I have struggled with depression and anxiety and for the past two years, have had to deal with PTSD and night terrors on top of that. I have been on several different antidepressants throughout the years and gone to counseling to try and deal with it, but I have never been as content as I am now and I think there are a few reasons for that.

1. GOD. Without God and my faith, there is no way I would be where I am today. As you have read on my blog before, I have been to Hell and back these past two years. From hating myself for what happened to me, to to going into the courthouse about once a week for a year straight, there is no other explanation for my happiness other than God.
2. MEDICATION! There is such a stigma to taking antidepressants and it’s so sad. Do I wish that I didn’t have to take four different antidepressants and antianxiety medications? Well yeah, but guess what? I have no shame in taking them. If you had a heart condition, you would take medication to help it. If you had bad vision, you would get glasses. There is absolutely no difference in taking antidepressants. Depression and anxiety is a medical condition due to a chemical imbalance in the brain, so why would you not take medication to help that?
3. MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY. After going through what I did and losing two of my best friends throughout it all for reasons I will never know, you would think I would have no hope. But that is so wrong. The friends and family that really do care about me have shown me that. I have been able to see who my true friends are because they have stuck by me no matter what. Losing friends hurts, especially when you don’t know why, but I believe that if someone is meant to be in your life, they will be. So thank you momma. Thank you daddy. Thank you Harper. Thank you Cody. Thank you Mikayla. Thank you Heather. Thank you Carissa. Thank you Sabrina. Thank you Delaney. You all have shown me unconditional love, and because of that I am the happiest I have ever been.

It feels almost wrong to say that I haven’t felt depressed recently. Although of course I don’t want to feel depressed, it honestly feels like I am saying goodbye to a part of myself that I am not ready to get rid of. I have held onto the sadness and the pain for so long, that it almost feels unnatural to not feel that anymore. I have become so comfortable in clinging to the part of me that is depressed. I think part of me is afraid that once I say that I don’t feel depressed anymore, I am going to have to be happy all the time or that I’m going to jinx it. But that’s not true. Just because I feel content right now does not mean I am never allowed to feel sad again.

Anyway, these past few days have felt so free. I still cannot believe that I was able to go from answering the nurse’s question with “Yes I have felt depressed nearly every day.” to “No, I actually haven’t felt depressed at all.” Life is full of pain and sadness, but it is also full of beauty. I hope this helps someone.