Hey everyone, in the midst of this chaotic time, I find that the only thing to keep me sane right now is to write. Nothing seems to be constant anymore except God and my writing. Even God doesn’t seem to be so much of a constant to me anymore. As I write that last sentence, I feel a single tear trail down my face. How did I get to this point? Why do I feel so far from grace right now in the midst of a time when all I should be doing is clinging to Him?

My life these past few weeks has been nothing short of unexpected and constantly changing. To those of you who do not know me well, I do not like it when things are unexpected and constantly changing. When my schedule is changed, I go into a state of panic. It is one of the many effects of my anxiety that I feel as though I cannot get a handle on. Things that I thought were going to be a permanent part of my life, have shown to be the exact opposite.

It all started with my trial being postponed until the middle of May. So far, every time my trial is postponed, it has been for the better, but at this point, I just want to get it over with. I am so tired of waiting.

The next thing that happened was school being canceled and changed to online for the rest of the semester due to COVID-19. Now to most students, an extended spring break and early summer probably sounds amazing, but to me, school is one of the few things I can rely on to remain constant. I enjoy going to my classes and I enjoy having a schedule. Living on campus is also very helpful to my anxiety and depression. Being steps away from my friends at any given point of the day allows me to be a lot more social than I would be if I were at home. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being home with my family and the time I am going to be able to spend with them will be amazing, but with school being completely canceled and having to move out of the dorms so quickly, I will no longer be able to hang out with my friends as easily because everyone is moving back home. Being social is going to be a lot more difficult for me.

The next part of my life that I never thought would change is my ability to travel to Haiti over spring break. Due to the virus, our trip is postponed until June. I understand that I still get to go (that is if the virus has stopped spreading by then), but as you all probably know, Haiti is so very special to me. This would have been my fifth trip going. I have been practicing my creole and also communicating with my little boy Cardy over facetime who is down in Haiti. Having to tell him that I will not be there after I just told him a week ago that I would, is going to be heartbreaking. This trip is such a good refresher for me, but now I don’t get that refresher.

Now the most recent change in my life. I screwed up my knee…. again. If you don’t know, I have torn my left ACL twice and have had to get surgery both times. On Monday, I did something to mess it up again. We are not sure what I did to it, but I go back to the doctor next Friday to get it checked. Until then, I am convinced that it is torn for a third time. The doctor said that it could just be a partial tear or a sprain, but I am trying to expect the worst and hope for the best so that I won’t be disappointed.

As I type all of this, I want you to understand that I know things could be worse. And I know that canceling school and postponing this trip and my trial is for the best, but I can’t help but feel so distraught and confused as to why this is all happening at once.

Recently my mom got a tattoo that says “be still”. Then without thinking about that, I bought a devotional book titled “be still”. Is this what God is trying to teach me? Is he trying to teach me to be still and live in the moment? Because up until this point, my mind has constantly been on hyperspeed. Even my physical mobility has been taken from me, so I really have no choice other than to mentally and physically be still.

So I title this blog “Be Still” because I feel as though that is what God is trying to teach me in this difficult time. It is what he is trying to teach us. As we are on quarantine, take this time to be still. God is forcing us indoors, so take this time to spend with your family and pray. Pray for peace and healing among the lands. Pray for guidance in this time of distress. And I ask, pray for me. I hate asking for things, especially when it pertains to me feeling weak, but at this point, I have no more strength to keep going on my own. Pray that in this season of my life, I figure out what God is doing with me. I know that there is a greater purpose for all this pain, but as I take this time to rely solely on Him and figure it out, I ask for your prayers.

Thank you.