Today marks a year since I was raped. Today marks a year since my innocence was taken from me. Today is going to be tough, but I have spent a year fighting and I’m not going to stop now.

This past year has been a year of growth. A year of sadness. A year of pain. At points during the past 365 days I have had to fight to keep myself sane. I have had to fight to get myself out of bed. There have been so many lows that it is hard to even remember the good memories that I have made. It seems that all I can focus on is the pain. So at least for right now, just for this blog post, I want to try and highlight the good of this past year so that I might just have a little bit of a better day.

Looking back and reflecting on the whole year, there have been some good memories. Starting with my friends and family… I may have lost a friend that I thought would always be there for me, but after struggling with that I realized that I have so many friends who actually love and care about me. This past year has shown me who my true friends are and I am forever thankful for them. If you’re reading this Adria, Mikayla, and Catherine, you really stepped up your game this year (not that my other friends haven’t because you all have been amazing and you know who you are). Adria, you have stuck with me since sixth grade. You have been my rock for eight years and I am so stinkin’ thankful for you, you have no idea. Mikayla, I didn’t meet you until last August and you have become someone that I know I can always depend on no matter what. From the moment I met you, I knew you would be someone that I would grow to love and trust forever. Catherine, we’ve been friends for about a year and a half but it feels like forever. No matter what, you are always there to cheer me up and make me smile. My family has stepped in like no other. My mom and dad have proved to me time and time again that no matter what, I am beautiful and strong despite what happened to me. They are always there to comfort me in times of need. My little sister has been amazing in making sure that I am okay. The love and grace that she constantly shows me reminds me of the love that Christ shows. I couldn’t ask for a more amazing sister. Thank you God for my friends and thank you God for my family.

My dad and I went on trip out west in December to hike in a few national parks. We hiked at Zion, Bryce Canyon, Joshua Tree, and Death Valley. Walking in the snow, in complete silence with my dad by my side, I wondered if life could get any better. All my problems seemed to slip away over the edge of the cliff as I breathed in the fresh cool air. As I hiked up the side of the mountain, I prayed for peace to come over me. I prayed to feel like this for the rest of my life. When we went to Joshua Tree, all I could think about was the quote from the Glass Castle: “One time I saw a tiny Joshua tree sapling growing not too far from the old tree. I wanted to dig it up and replant it near our house. I told Mom that I would protect it from the wind and water it every day so that it could grow nice and tall and straight. Mom frowned at me. “You’d be destroying what makes it special,” she said. “It’s the Joshua tree’s struggle that gives it its beauty.” If you haven’t seen a Joshua Tree, it is a super wonky tree. After years of the wind blowing it in different directions, the tree is sprawled out in different directions. Like the quote above, the struggle is what makes the tree beautiful. I like to think of my own struggles that way. I believe that everything we go throuhg makes us who we are today. The good, the bad, and the ugly. At that moment I thanked God for my life.

In February I started a new job for Autism Services. I get to work one-on-one with the most amazing little boy. His excitment for life has given me a purpose. He makes my days so much more enjoyable. Being with him and taking care of him gives me a new excitment about life. I thank God for giving me the chance to have the job of a lifetime.

The best part of my year by far was going to Haiti. It’s always the best part of my year. From the second I stepped foot off the plane, I felt home. I felt peace. Being in Haiti and seeing how happy these people were with so little gives me hope that everything will be okay. Being there reminds me of what I am meant to do with my life. It gives me a hope for the future that I might just be okay. And I thanked God for giving me the oppurtunity to serve him in the small community of Ft.Liberte, Haiti.

As today goes on and 8:00pm grows closer, my anxiety gets worse. I have been trying to stay busy and surround myself with people who make me smile (special thanks to Drew and Hannah and the rest of the family for letting me hangout with them). Every minute that goes by brings me just a little bit more pain. Part of me wishes that I could go back one year ago and tell myself not to trust Chase. Tell myself to just walk away and go home. Not to hangout with him. But there is also another part of me that is happy with who I am today. What happened to me sucked a lot, but knowing that I have been able to help other girls going through something similar situations makes me grateful that God has gotten me through this. Taking time to reflect on the good things gives me a hope that I will get through this. The good definitley outweighs the bad. I thank God for the good things that have happened to me this year.