Wow do I have a lot to catch you up on. It has been an emotional rollercoaster the past week. I have had so many ups and downs the past seven days that it is really starting to affect my mental health. Last Friday I went to see my boyfriend in Chicago for the weekend. Tuesday I had to go to court and face my abuser along with being completely blindsided by my best friend and not knowing where we stand anymore. Thursday I got to keep myself busy and hangout with one of my best friends. And now we are at today. Today I had counseling and just completely broke down. I am just not equipped to handle this many highs and lows. One moment I’m having the time of my life in Chicago and then the next I’m sitting in a court room being reminded that I was raped eight months ago. I need some stability. Has anyone else ever experienced so many different emotions at once that you just feel exhausted? Because if so, I need some tips on how you handled it.

Lately it has gotten more difficult to get out of bed. All I want to do is lay there and not talk to anyone. I have really been struggling. To keep myself from doing that, I constantly try to make plans. The moments where I’m preoccupied by a friend, work, or drawing are the moments that I feel the least amount of pain. It’s the moments of being still that kill me. You might think that all I have to do to solve my problem is just keep myself busy but that is exhausting.

Today I was trying to relax in the pool and just give myself some alone time to see if I could flood myself with positive thoughts instead of negative. Laying on the float and soaking up the sun in complete silence was relaxing at first but then I got this urge to pray. As I take my faith very seriously, I realized that I rarely ever pray when I’m by myself. I only pray when I have to. But for some reason today I felt a nudge the close my eyes, float in the pool, and just talk to God like he was floating right there with me.

In doing this I felt such a sense of peace and comfort. As tough as today has been on me mentally, I realized all I had to do was stop and pray. Now don’t get me wrong, the rest of today has been pure Hell. I haven’t felt like smiling. I haven’t felt like laughing. And I haven’t felt like talking to anyone. But in that one moment earlier, I felt such a closeness with God that it gives me the strength to keep going. It will get easier. It may take lots of time and it may take lots of prayer, but it will get better.