The past seven months of my life have been pure Hell. I have felt broken to the point of complete mental and physical exhaustion. At first, it was difficult for me to share my story because I felt alone and ashamed but throughout the past seven months, it has become easier and easier for me to be open about what happened to me. My hope in sharing this story is to relate to someone who has been going through the same thing as me. You ARE NOT alone and if it takes me coming forward to help even just one person, then I am happy to do so.

Ever since I received my acceptance letter to Marshall University last year, I dreamed of the memories and friendships I would make. Freshman year is said to be exciting and filled with opportunities to get involved. Never did I think that instead of making these exhilarating new memories I would make one horrible one that would affect me for the rest of my life. Yes, the rest of my life.

Being raped is not something that you simply “get over” and I am here and more than prepared to explain just how this has affected me and uprooted my entire life. Instead of going to school sporting events and having a carefree and enjoyable time, I was looking over my shoulder just in case the man who raped me (who is also a student at Marshall University), decided to make an appearance. You would think that being on a campus with 13,000 other students would help make me feel at least a little comfort, but that is far from how I feel. Everywhere I walk on campus I am constantly looking over my shoulder making sure that he is not following me. If I see a tall man with curly hair that even just slightly resembles him, I immediately go into panic mode and feel as though I am being raped all over again.

This past school year, my personality has changed from an outgoing bubbly teenager, to a scared and anxious victim. The following is a list of permanent affects that this has had on my life.

• I no longer enjoy to sleep because when I close my eyes, all I can picture is being held down in the back of my car as he forces me to have non-consensual anal sex.
• I now see a counselor weekly due to the nightmares and constant anxiety that I have.
• My prescription of Zoloft (anti-anxiety and depression medication) went from 50 mg to 200 mg over the course of the past few months that I have been dealing with this. If you are not aware, 200 mg is the highest dosage of Zoloft that an adult can take.
• I have had to skip class multiple times because I have woken up from horrible nightmares and don’t have the motivation or energy to leave my bed.
• I cannot see a white jeep without going into panic mode (that is the car that he drives).
• Lastly, I cannot even begin to describe the emotional scars that this has left on me. It has left me feeling hopeless and worthless.

Although I WILL NOT let this define my life. Life will never be the same because of this but I have learned to find a new normal. I have learned that I am not worthless because of something that happened to me. I am stronger than before. And don’t get me wrong, some days are better than others. I can feel on top of the world on Monday and then feel completely hopeless on Tuesday. There are days that I don’t feel like being around anyone and then there are other days that all I want is to be surrounded by my friends. The healing process is an immense struggle and different for everybody.

My advice to you is to surround yourself with friends and family who will love and support you no matter what. The mistake that I made in all of this was not telling my family and the police sooner. Although I only waited six weeks to tell them, I felt so alone for what felt like an eternity. I could have started the legal process quicker and felt justified sooner rather than later. Reporting a rape to your parents or the police is not something that is easy. It will take a long time, but it is worth it. You deserve justice and any rapist deserves to be held accountable for what they did to you.

Thank you for taking your time to read my story. I hope that you can use it to inspire yourself or others who are going through the same thing. Once again, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There is someone out there that is struggling with the same thing as you. You may feel broken but you are beautiful, my darling.